Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I use my feet as sexual weapons
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
