My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
