After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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