could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
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