did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
