a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
