I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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