Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
