I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
