oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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