I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
