you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
