____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
