why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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