If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
