Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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