the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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