I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
