on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
