Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
