fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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