She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
