Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
