last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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