i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
either way he was missing a nipple.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
