I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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