my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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