Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
