That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
