I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
