Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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