Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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