8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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