Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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