i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
