You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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