My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
