just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
the condom got lost in my hair
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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