Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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