Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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