Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
