I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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