Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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