You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
