people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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