Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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