I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Randomize
