great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
