Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
