i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
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Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
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Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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