ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
