I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
