i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
