Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
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I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
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I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I could fuck to npr.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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