my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
