Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
